da hood!

close, but so far

last day of work was brutal... five hours to do an hour's worth of work. people kept coming up, sue baked a cake ("you're doing what now?") and so on. that was wednesday...

thursday was a day wasted. i wanted to get things done, but my apartment had some uninvited guests that required gas and the subsequent away-time so as not to be poisoned. it was also a good day, but very little got done as far as moving is concerned. i got up and prepped for senor muerte. he showed up early and i continued my prepping. by the time he was done, my throat had had it (i really wanted to be gone before the spraying of the ick...). so i went and grabbed a bite to eat and read an alt-weekly. then i went to the hippie-dippy shop, browsed for awhile, asked about a reading, was denied a reading because the reader didn't bring her cards (fair enough--just a foolish fun expense that i don't need now) so i kept looking around. found two books that struck my fancy and bought them. went to the coffee shop to start reading them. 50 pages into the first one and i was less than impressed. i was looking for new age, and it kept harping on the main character's faith in god (with a capital "g"). does he end up losing his faith? i don't know, i'll read more on the plane, but it better get off the god and into the personal/spiritual or it'll lose my attention... sorry, not my cup of tea at this point in my life; all things considered, it could become my cup of tea, but for now...

so i start reading my other book, and this one delivered. "chakras for beginners". since all i knew was that i had heard the word i didn't want to get the "chakras for chakras masters" or whathaveyou, so i went for the near-"for dummies" version, and what i've read so far rings true. it seems like it's about balance and progressing from base, animalistic drives to a sort of human divinity... i don't want to say "god" (especially after giving him/her such hell in the previous paragraph), but more of a higher enlightenment through acceptance, understanding, and a certain amount of wisdom. yeah, that was what i wanted from the hippie-dippy store! don't get me wrong, i'm far from enlightened, but it just seemed right for this part of my path. we'll see how long until it offers me something i'm not ready for, or am resistant to, but for now... i'm inspired to read more!

i went home and watched jeopardy to bide my time until dinner. jason, helskel, liz, brooke and brad were there. fine chicken, salad, taters and so forth were had by all, and they made sure i'd miss them when i'm gone.

then i went home and b informed me about j and the aneurism formerly known as big bertha... and the other two, whose names have yet to be shared with me. and i paced around my apartment and called friends and posted the second to last entry. bertha was taken care of in a sterile but profound way by dr. feelgood. the other two's days are numbered (the bastards!).

friday i packed some, returned my modem to comcast, and shipped some stuff. i also went through boxes of stuff that've moved with me unopened five or six times with documents from the mid-nineties (holy crap!). and finally sold my desk (coffee table is probably not going to be sold).

and today i delivered random furnitures that friends and family kindly took off my hands. and packed for the plane and threw away other stuff from boxes not looked at since two or three moves ago.

and now i'm at my mother's house. she's in ohio doing a family reunion thing that my move precluded me from. i wanted to go, but i wanted to stop waiting for life more. i also wanted to get to the northwest before the "rainy" season. anyway, at my mother's house blogging... because i'm alone and uncomfortable because the place reminds me of a museum (but my place reminds me of empty). and i talked to l for a second, but she was tired... and her ex is in the pokey for less time than previously thought...

and so things are less bad than they were. and i have got to stop starting sentences with "and".

i guess i'm less nervous, more excited, but still in a state of limbo. i'm going to miss my friends in denver, but the grass is greener on the other side (but i'm convinced it has more to do with the extra precipitation than anything else). tomorrow i get to finish up around my apartment. aj's gonna give me a ride to the airport on monday after we do lunch. i sure hope i get to be on the left side of the plane so i can take a picture of mount hood as we pass by.

helskel has a quote (not sure if it's original or taken from someone else, but):

"it happens; write before you die."

in times of anger i want to amend it bitterly, but tonight i want to amend it as a means of explanation (and, to a certain extent, understanding):

"it happens; live before you die."

our paths may diverge, but we're both living, we're both writing, and we're both dying...

i hope you are too.

peas

but, BUT!

from free will:

LEO:
Travel writer Bruce Chatwin walked around Australia as he researched and meditated on the indigenous people's beliefs about what the land was like in the ancient past. He wrote: "Aboriginal creation myths tell of the legendary totemic beings who wandered over the continent in the Dreamtime, singing out the name of everything that crossed their path--birds, animals, plants, rocks, waterholes--and so singing the world into existence." Given the fact that you're now primed to create a new domain or two, Leo, may I suggest the aborigines' approach? You'll infuse everything with extra beauty if you play around with singing it into existence.

quothe the beatles: "so i sing a song of love, Jooolia!"

going to portland, everything's gonna be bomb...

or so i keep telling myself.

dear sweet gawd on heaven and earth, let the third bit o' crap happen before i board the plane...

1) l's a single mom (for really real!) now, now that the ex is in jail for awhile for being a dumbass...

2) j's in the hospital with ... 3?!... aneurisms...

3) ?

either bad shit's gonna come in threes, or i'm gonna be the lucky rabbit's foot... holy crap and wtf???

teh internets goes away in a few hours... i'll write again when i'm in the forest...

wish us luck.

band on the run...

ok, so princess diary of starrynightboutique (i'll make a link when it isn't so damn late) took this from someone and i'm taking it from her: take a band and answer these questions only with their song titles. maybe i'll do two posts, but for now, the cure:



1. Are you male or female? three imaginary boys
2. Describe yourself. homesick
3. How do some people feel about you? hot, hot, hot
4. How do you feel about yourself? faith, doubt (two songs from the same album)
5. Describe your "ex". strange attraction
6. Describe your current significant other. all i want
7. Describe where you want to be. a forest
8. Describe how you live. trust
9. Describe how you love. never enough
10. What would you ask for if you had a wish? give me it
11. Share a few words of wisdom. to wish impossible things
12. Now say goodbye. gone!

WWIII?

very interesting article via workingforchange about the israel/lebanon situation and its implications far and wide. this is such a trainwreck that i can't seem to wrap my head around it, but the link above got me started. so much animosity, and it has global implications that reach way beyond the middle east. combine that with the fact that the u.s. is bogged down in iraq, sitting ducks to iranian attacks, the same iran that's been puffing its chest out to the u.s. and is warning israel to stay away from syria, and we have ourselves a hot war that's only getting hotter.

my initial reaction was that israel was way overreacting to the initial attack, but now i see the impetus, what with the iranian missiles being lobbed from lebanon, and i still see it as an overreaction that's going to cost more lives than it saves, but... uh, yikes... how long until this war really reaches our shores? 9/11 has been likened to pearl harbor, but what if 9/11 were perpetrated by a sovereign state? and what if it happened while our troops were stretched too thin to protect us? and what help are ground forces against a nuclear n. korea or iran?

sure, we've got a missile defense shield that doesn't work, but for some reason that doesn't instill in me much faith.

meh, we're boned but we still have time (in theory). cooler heads have to prevail, or so i keep telling myself. if i repeat it often enough, maybe someday i'll believe it.

like a rolling stone

As best as I can tell I move, and have moved, a lot. Born in Ohio in August of nineteen hundred and seventy-five, but by early seventy-six I had relocated to Denver. Between '76 and '82 I relocated several times, to Texas, back to Denver, to the SF Bay area and back to Denver. Of course those moves were not so much my choice as my mother's, but that's a lot early on. I lived in Denver from 1982-2002... in (calculation time) no less than 10 houses and apartments (wow).

In '02 I moved to the pacific northwest, Portland more specifically... through a vile combination of poor planning, bad timing, and the god-awful post-911 (read "Bush") economy, my time there was cut short. I returned to Denver a bit older, a lot wiser, and much poorer. Que sera sera...

Since returning in December of '02 I have lived in (mas calculations...) 4 more places.

So what now? Back to Portland.

So much anxiety fills me... like, I won't be able to rest until I succeed where I once failed. And you know, I'll do better. And I know I'll do better... But yeah, the anxiety's there.

Gave my notice at my job yesterday, and get to tell my group tomorrow... piles of weirdness. And now I get to do the thing I hate worse than most anything else I can think of right now: look for work. I have a couple leads, but nothing's firm.

Shit...

What do you get when you cross brass balls with immense fear?

(it's time to) move on

wha-... where have i gotten to? running away or going home, running home or going away? there's the fork; which road do i take?

there's no right answer, there are no wrong answers. are you kidding me, man, just pull the fuckin' trigger...



everything moves on...